Christians gave me an unrealistic expectation about love...

Picking up where we left off, I had found myself very much in like with a man at a camp I worked at during the summer...except...he did not meet all of the (mostly unachievevable) standards of my "list" I had compiled.

When I think about our "relationship," I can remember him leaving me notes in my bag in the staff room, waiting until the ungodly hours of the morning until I finished speaking with campers to walk me back to my cabin, and abiding by very strict guidelines I gave him for our interactions (what?). I remember his openness and honesty about his life, his past, and his love for Jesus. When I passive-aggressivly mentioned that he didn't read the bible enough he bought a study bible and wanted to set up a time for us to read together. No matter the relentless care and affection he gave, there was a large block I put between us. I can't imagine how much that must have hurt him. Looking back, I cringe at how foolish I was.

I look back at that a partially gag, but also have an overwhelming feeling of remorse for a number of reasons. The first thing is that I believed at that time that as an individual, I was not capable of following Christ solo. I had it in my mind that in order to fulfill whatever the hell I was supposed to in this life, I had to be connected with a man to lead me. The second was putting this man in the place of Jesus in my life (Christ is the only being that has been and ever will be perfect) giving him IMPOSSIBLE shoes to fill. I mean, shouldn't my Prince Charming intuit my ideals and needs without my needing to communicate them? Even in his most valiant efforts to give me what I wanted, I saw something wrong with it. I thought that any relationship worth having had to be followed to a T in a perfect image I had constructed without any flaws such as disagreeing, being goofy, open communication...(you know, normal human tendencies) that would lead to our Holy Matrimony in the end. Yikes.

The most difficult thing for me, though, was the idea that I couldn't lead in a relationship because I am a woman. It wasn't that I didn't want to tell him what I wanted, though that was part of it (see explanation above), it was that I didn't think I had a place to speak to it. He was my leader, I was his follower. I felt in total lack of control of my situation, so I searched for and focused on any "flaw" to back out of it.

He had an insane amount of pressure put on him of impossible expectations, and I was to blame without realizing it.

I am happy to say that I am passed this time in my life when I allowed a number of voices to spew faulty theology of woman being lesser than, but it took many years of wrestling with the idea that there was more to my life then landing a husband who would take over from there.

Friends, this isn't a post about how to find a husband, how to have the perfect relationship, how to be confident in your singleness, or insert whatever Christian cliche you can imagine on this topic. It is a story of me being, well, dumb. It is a story I want you to learn from so you don't make the same mistakes the majority of Christians have made in the "name of Jesus Christ."

If you don't get anything else from this post, I want you to take a breath and see YOUR worth in the Lord, alone; you do not need someone else to complete your relationship with God (...Paul...anyone?). I want you to recognize your expectations for others and loosen that grip. I want you to value your voice and be able to communicate it to anyone that has the fortune of being in your life, and listen to their voice as equals.

I'm sure this is a topic we will be coming back to often. For now, I want to hear what you think. Like, comment, subscribe, write in, whatever and let me know your thoughts.

I'll be back Monday,

Cheers!

Sam Jo.