Accident Prone

I have a tendency to get injured a lot. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know why. It just happens. From breaking my nose in a mud pit, to spraining my ankle dancing to the YMCA, and falling off a bus in Israel, injury follows me around. I hated this fact about myself. I hated that this was my descriptor. Not because I hated getting hurt, but because of how much attention it drew to me. 

(Photo credit: Tegan Mierle via unsplash)

I know what you are thinking, especially those who know me who are reading this, “Sam not wanting to draw attention? Yeah right.” Laughter is in my DNA. Any type of performance, I thrive. Speaking in front of huge groups of people I revel in that light. These things that normal people fear to death, I approach head on. 

However, in all of those circumstances, I am in charge. I am the one putting myself out there. I am the one in control of how I show myself to others. When I get injured, I show my weakness. I show my pride. This girl who labels herself as a performer, outgoing, fearless to meeting new people finds ultimate humiliation in getting hurt. 

This specific injury that I am going to summarize (while attempting to skip all of the details, don’t worry) happened back in 2010. I was working at a camp and loving life. My co-counselors were amazing! My bosses were amazing! It was overall the start to one of the best summers I can remember to date. A few weeks in, I got a little bite from a fire ant. Now, if you have been bit by a fire ant, you know that it isn’t fun, but not the worst thing in the world. Just be prepared for that spot to be super itchy for a while afterward. I have always been allergic to random bites and stings, but didn’t think anything of this bite. Unfortunately, before I knew it, my foot turned into a sausage to the point I couldn’t walk on it, it was so swollen. I guess I had one of my allergic reactions and this little ant bite ended up infecting my entire foot and I got cellulitis. 

I, being desperate to control the situation, tried to humor my way out of it. Bringing it up slyly and mentioning how I must have a curse on me to acknowledge that my foot was indeed disgusting and I was aware of it. My paranoia of others being angry, grossed out, or frustrated with me because of this stupid ant bite was getting the best of me and I was attempting to get in front of it. Of course, as you probably have figured out, that only made it worse. 

(The lovely picture above was made by Jonathan Seal, one of my co-counselors the following summer.)

What started as intentions to “laugh it off” turned into my withdrawal from my community. It felt like no matter what I did, I made it worse. Every little “fix it” I attempted left me feeling more humiliated and alone. I still cringe at the lengths that I went to, to try to back pedal over each situation. Why did I care so much?

I wish I learned right then and there this idea of “let it go” “it’s only as bad as you make it” “move on” or whatever cliché phrase you want to insert here. Of course, I didn’t. I guess I never realized how much I clung on to being in control of things that were clearly out of my control and to be honest it is something now that I am facing head on. 

My question for you is what is it that you cling to in humiliation? What is preventing you from letting go of situations out of your control?

Please check back in on Thursday as we look deeper into how we can open ourselves up to the idea of letting go…

Until Thursday! Cheers, Sam Jo.